The Toxicity of ‘Should’

The worst possible thought I can have is "should." I should have remembered. I should run faster. I should be better. And on it goes.

While it is a simple word, it carries significant negativity. It is my mind telling me that I’m not good enough. I’ve found that if I attach to those thoughts, my general mood drops, I lose touch with my true self, and I limit my own potential. In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), this is called "attachment"—a state where we start believing the unhelpful stories our minds create.

The External Weight of Expectations

For most of my life, I lived in this state. Any conversation I had about running was inevitably followed by a disclaimer that I "should" be faster or going further. The tricky thing about these thought patterns is that they are hard to recognize when they’ve always been there.

"I remember finishing a 100k race and chatting with my boss. I mentioned I walked the hills for the final third. Their comment was that I didn't do it properly if I didn't run it all. For me, this was just another instance of external confirmation that I should have done better."

RSD and the ADHD Brain

One issue with Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD), common in ADHD, is the tendency to over-emphasize the negative while downplaying the positive. It didn’t matter how much I achieved; I never felt good enough. I "should" always be doing more.

These thought patterns are common for us. Our inconsistent attention means we can excel one day and struggle the next. My perceived failures resulted in a childhood where I constantly heard I wasn't good enough. It is hard not to internalize that message growing up.

Aphantasia: When Standard Advice Fails

Years later, I was recommended The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris. I never finished it. I realize now it's because whole sections are dedicated to managing intrusive visual thoughts. I tried, but I didn't get it.

I eventually learned I have Aphantasia—the inability to create visual images in my mind. "Close your eyes and picture this" simply doesn't work for me. Learning this was incredibly freeing. It wasn't that I was failing at the exercises; it was that I was physically incapable of doing them. This is why I place such emphasis on understanding one's self. Once I understood my brain, I could gleefully skip those sections and move on.

Redefining Mindfulness for the Non-Visual Mind

Many mindfulness exercises, like "Leaves on a Stream," rely on visualization. When you can’t see the stream or the leaf, the exercise fails. What I could do, however, were body scans.

Moving my attention through my body and noticing sensations—no matter how trivial—was the key. For 18 months, I practiced this every night. Not only did it help me fall asleep, but it taught me to observe a thought, say "thank you, mind, for that thought," and let it pass without attaching to it.

The Lesson of Practice

Like anything, this is about practice. I may not be as skilled at "quieting the mind" as I was when I practiced daily, but I am eternally thankful that I can identify my thoughts and avoid the endless "doom spirals" of the past. I no longer "should" myself into a dark place; I simply notice the thought and move on.